Thursday, August 28, 2014

Being a tough girl

I've found it in myself to write after months! For someone who's recently gone from being in love with scribbling to making drafting errors in simple work mails, all i can say for now is that I've been going through a lot.


But that's a story probably dependent on this story.

I've come to classify myself as a tough girl.

So there are classy girls, sexy girls, independent girls, sweet girls, mean girl's, weak girls, whiny girls, bitchy girls, rude girls and mostly there is a bit of all these girls in all of us.

If I'm independent it doesn't mean i don't dream of being taken care of.
If I'm sweet, doesn't mean I'll let you push me around.
If I'm a rude girl, doesn't mean I'm necessarily a bad person.
It's my choice to be these people, and often its a character who's shoes i step into and use to convey my intentions correctly.
Its how i correctly state parts of my individuality.

I'm tough. I keep my self unapproachable.
I keep myself occupied. Preoccupied even. You don't want to end up being called 'easy'. That's one issue in a city like ours.
While I'm ok being tagged or called 'uptight', 'snobbish', 'crazy', 'lesbian' even! (Its been a small paradoxical sacrifice.) I mean, have you seen the amount of filth out there?
Have you met the average Delhi/ Gurgaon male? And quite sadly female?

Shallowness of course brings with it the ability to make easy assumptions, the characteristic to easily assume further makes it easier for the people to judge others. This city has no time for stopping and smelling the roses, deep admiration for anything or anyone.

It's been a while since I've heard someone speak ahead of anything more than discussions of ongoing politics, reviewing the latest movies or sports highlights.

This brings me to the other issue: passions, hobbies, interests are almost non existent in people today. (oh wait, should have seen that coming. It takes one to stand up for their opinions or make mental, physical and emotional efforts in the direction they choose to side with or for.)

Which brings me to address my past and most recent moment of self doubt; as you should know, our interests and hobbies reflect our personalities and ultimately determine where or what talents we focus or work on -  to highlight.

A wise man once said " Don't let society tell you your talent is meaningless because they don't serve an economical purpose. They reflect your interests & passion. And what's important to you is what matters."

If individuality is based on things we want to distinguish ourselves basis; Our distinguishing characteristics,  then unfortunately our depth of thought determines who we want to be known as in society.

Some choose to be dancers, some choose to be speakers, some motivators. Some auditors. I recently had a lapse in personal identity when i began to see my self as a lesser human, succumb to another who's mere talent was knowing by heart all dialogues and all songs from Bollywood movies. (being the go to man for all Bollywood jargon)

I've always been an artist, a poet, a dancer and a creator, even an  opinionated writer while he was only a mere 'record player' in philosophical description. And it made me act like who i wasn't, hurt people who knew and loved me for being me, feelt shallow, undesirable, doubting my own potential and ultimately hurting my own self esteem and shaking the faith of loved ones in me.

Its taken me a year and half to detach and become again who i am today, who I once was, (tastes and opinions have changed though) comfortable in my own skin..


I'm ok addressing others in my mother tongue.
I'm ok changing my own tier when stranded.
I'm ok walking into a club under dressed to drink.
I'm ok standing up for myself and calling on the police myself when i get eve teased.
I've made peace with people having alteriar motives and their unavailability when you have personally nothing to offer or they have nothing to gain from you. (on that note, its also made me that much more careful, observant, empathetic, willing to standup for others.)

I choose to stand up for myself.
I choose to keep a limited but meaningful friend circle.
I choose to invest time and effort in things that educate me so i can take care of myself, help others, hold firm meaningful opinions.
(even when I secretly wish in some situations that i wasn't alone all the time. And in my case, someone very specific)

But that makes me value things, people, gestures, words, everything more!

I'm not in a meaningless relationship or don't opt for one to make life for me easier.
I don't want anyone to drive me, or feed me, or shelter me, or work in place of me for my dreams!

That's how my efforts help truly validate them.

And it reminds me what love and affection really feel like and what they stand for. Truly i feel i respect others more basis this little understanding i have gained. (severely, over time)

I won't lie. We aren't born with humanly sensitivity. We have progressed to an era where we have created multiple languages and mediums of communication to put our point across. We have also made hundreds and thousands of devices to make daily life easier. But somewhere between ease and taking for granted communication we forget the value of our and others emotions.

We all have our series of 'episodical' ups and downs which bring us face to face with realizations and situations that make us question our own past behavior and aloofness.

I'm tough everyday. I do things with all my heart and believe in then profoundly. I'm the sassy girl, the classy girl, the daddies girl, the hopelessly in love girl, but that cant take away the fact that i watch out for myself and am independent enough to take care of myself. Its a strong stand i have taken, an Outlook i cherish, a opinion i uphold, all which ultimately makes me the 'tough girl'.

Do you agree?