Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Live, Love, Drink, but don't forget to rethink.

Lets put the notions and trivialities of our daily lives aside.
You job, my friends, your car, my phone, our hobbies, our families, our friends, our enemies, who we have now become or who we pretend to be. 
What does it leave us with?
A bundle of emotions, memories, opinions, conclusions, resolutions and feelings. 
Now lets take away the facade of ego, pride, revenge, jealousy, ill feeling, pre-convinced notions, political and cultural alignments and competitiveness. 
What does it leave us with now?
Reason, honor, honesty, practicality, our core personalities, all clinging the hand or rather the little finger of the grown up us. 
In short, it leaves us venerable. Child like, confused, sensitive, lost, hesitant, emotional. 
now take a deep breath. 
Try sustaining this frame of mind.
Let the overwhelming feeling of putting up notes and masks of self defense settle, till you begin to breath easy, till your pulse rate normalizes again. 
Now think of me. Picture my face. the touch of my skin, the curls of my brown hair, looking into my brown eyes... enough thats enough. 
Now in all honesty ask your self. 
Do you really hate me? Or want nothing to do with me? Or treat me like a stranger?
When i put a smile on your face, when i awkwardly conveyed my feelings, when i hurt you with dead honesty, when we just spoke about life and the future, did it want to make you change? 
To leave me alone, to see me as a habbit, an addition that needed to be put an end to?
Didn't we put ourselves out there, agreeing to risk the pain and hurt when we began to be friends at all?
On our best days, happy days, did you for even for a moment feel that it was probably going to be the happiest you'd ever be?
I did. And even if you decide to lie now and say you didnt, i know you did. 
But now coming back to reality, i am glad we've both grown. 
I suppose there were more realities and lessons and evolutions our personal character had to take till we made that one last final commitment. 
I feel more confident, driven, i have lesser mood swings, i dont feel the need to be subtle about how i feel or what i need to convey. I am unafraid to shine, i am proud be me myself more than ever. 
I am not guilty, and i have stopped being harsh on myself. I can have anything in the world, or resist anything in the world if i willed myslef to. And for once, i know what love feels like. 
You do too dont you?
You have seen the difference between feeling extreme affection, love and lust for another person haven't you? You do indrestand the difference when you try your best to convert one into another out of pure excitement or conveniance or inconvenience or a story to tell in your tomorrow? 
But in all human nature and false anger and prideful conviction we don't agree or want to agree they are all different, it just stages. 
We want to belive that the both of us, it was just another time. 
That better is yet to come.
We have better right now or it could be. 
Even when we know it can naturally exist or already exists elsewhere.
I have come to realize how broadening of our individual perspectives or rediscovering who we are or what we want to be do doesn't necessarily have to do with traveling far and wide to look for it. 
That sometimes, it merely is a realizations that comes to us after committing the same mistakes over and over again sometimes. 
When we find time to go over our entire lives, sometimes realizations don't come from new experiences, merely acknowledging old ones. 
And in that exact moment sometimes you realize, that the answer might as well lie in the newness of a fragile relationship, but it sometimes already did exist in the past and in the present and we feared taming it. 
Taming the essence, because it would take long sessions of reconciliation, baring our souls to the known, being known, without opportunity of pretense bending and bowing both backwards and forwards. But for what?
Only for that one thing that really matters. 
So how afraid are you really? Of taking a good look at your own life and the life that has been and that could have been and making something of it thats real, permanent and not in passing. 
They say draw the line at the sacred number 30. 
Life, love, womanize, but if you cant find it in you to stop then you never will, and the best things would have long past you. 
Hopefully now, coming back to reality of as you exist, you need to find the time to look back at what matters, what didn't and where the truth lies and go on to pursue it in time. 
Or i hope you do. 
Or for lords sake have peers with enough sense to help knock realizations back into you. In time. 

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