Thursday, April 24, 2014

Monolog: Talking to myself 1

I can put all my emotions aside, disconnect from what exists in the current circumstances and gauge any given situation or advise on any given dilemma as a unbiased onlooker.

Its a psychological imbalance.
A recently discovered trait that I seem to have been using without knowing. But we can't really explore our gifts or make appropriate use of them till we fully understand them and their potential.

I call it a gift as much as I call it an imbalance as I understand an ability or disability is often how you perceive it first and how others receive it second.

When something's truly great it takes my breath away. And usually I've come to realize I exaggerate sentiments verbally when they fail to, just to keep others hearts.

Which has brought me closer to understanding my personal emotional makeup...and dilemmas. 
I try to balance out everything.
Keep everyone happy.
Avoid fights at all costs.
Put others before myself and often even forget my own needs.
I constantly begin to make small sacrifices that go so seamlessly unnoticed, until someone reflects on the closer period of association with me and gauges their own growth curve, environmental ease, positive energies, light mindedness, child like jovial ness and lack or discouraged negative thinking even!

I've been called too practical but really, I think I get to people. The positives and hopefulness in the world and worldly things.
I am a personality type that is genuinely interested in people.
But I can be moody and in my moodiness, innocently use what I've observed or learned about others against them. Mostly to avoid them. Sometimes because I chose to retrieve to my own shell and other times out of pure contempt. Though rarely.

I can't overlook the tiniest bit good in people. And I go out of my way in proving to them and others how significant they are. Yes. I can make people feel significant. And having these realizations doesn't take away the beauty of these qualities from me as I explained before. I can detach and analysis.

I catch myself smiling, crying, being genuinely concerned about people and causes and they have the capability of giving me sleepless nights.

Time is a concept which is very very distorted in my mind. I believe in absolution. What begins to exist cannot suddenly vanish. What has vanished cannot be lost forever. What is hidden can be found. What is buried can be dug out. They are only a circumstance of willingness or intend.

I believe not that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, but that deep though is given to emotional decisions that reflect in personal choices and consequential or opposing actions. I don't relate to practicality. I believe in love, peace, harmony and change. And to such great extent that it has often left me looking like an idiot.

But how significant are looks in comparison to how we really feel? I'm a lover of beauty in its rawest form. I dislike things, situations and people being over polished.

I have an open mind but a very closed value set or rather guidelines I live by.
I've at least three extremely occasions where I have seen myself sacrifice myself or something i love or someone dearer than life to me, because of rigid ideals. Depicted an entirely different picture on the outside or to or for the object I wish to keep away or safe. Its not easy, such sacrifice can be seen as extreme cruelty or madness and is almost always misunderstood. But I chose to live with consequences as my internal value system and priorities are then at rest.

I never explain myself. And who ever says expression is a for of explaining yourself has got it all wrong. Like the way I speak in clear metaphors right now, I'm able to share viewpoint or give thoughts expression but it in no way conveys underline feeling, emotion or purpose.

Which brings me to also identifying my manner and formal attitude. I come across as silent, reserved, quiet, secretive on the outside and I do keep a distance from even those who I am or feel I am closest to.

My psychological makeup is complex. Very complex. But at the same time its so closely bound to my behavior and conduct, that its almost non existent to an onlookers.

I have a lot of pride. But there are things I just cannot justify to myself or to others. Where I lack the role of pride altogether. But it prevents me from clarifying or justifying myself. I have plead in the past, but never done anything to justify or unjustified myself. And sometimes I regret having not done that. But my gauge is imbalanced in this regard and I don't understand very well how much justification and when it is required. Or when it should be avoided. Its fairly a new concept to me and it intrigues me. Still.

I have no problems spending time on my own, alone. As much time, wherever. I enjoy talking to myself. And when alone, I even catch myself having audible dialogues with myself. This. Too. Can. Count. As. Me. Talking to myself after all.

I keep others happiness, moral correctness and honor above everything and have even punished myself or denied myself things or people or relationships that would have been easier to have with a bit of manipulation.

But I can't begin to lie where my interest lie. I will keep hurting people with the truth and true emotions hoping its strengthening some hypothetical but very very utterly important base to a personal relationship. Believe other people get why I chose to do so. But mostly see my attempts fail.

Impatience is the new empowerment word. "If my demands aren't met, and NOW, I refuse to tolerate anything ahead".  It seems to blind people. Its a poisoneness attitude. The second most poisoneness attitude after self centrism. We are humans and we need society. We can't ignore the cause and need of greater good than that of only us as individuals. And so I'm fair. In games, philosophically, practically and any other way.

I super empathize with others and gauge my own position from others point of view than just think putting myself first. I've even put myself last.

And this attitude has often clearly confused me, I wish I was normal and didn't believe I was extraordinary in some way, that I was made for something big and not for trivial small talk or just talk and no action.

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