An open letter

Dear Stranger,

Here's a bit about me, my life, his life and your life for you.

I don't follow rules, I question them. 

If I get the answers to my questions I accept those rules. 

I follow my heart. I think i purely follow my heart. 
And doing so has caused a lot of heart ache on the way. 
But I still do. 
I do so because the fruitful return of something you put your heart is a high no appreciation, no money, nothing, nothing at all compares to. 

I choose to be dead honest at times. 
Enough to scar people. 
I've in the process, scarred myself each time. 
It's not the best journey, but it’s a fruitful one. 
It's not a monotonous one. I have ample struggle to deal with both when awake and when asleep. 

I know I like to have my way at times, and especially so if I know I'm correct before anyone else realizes it.
I'm admit-tingly impatient and I'm crazy passionate about things I'm passionate about. 

I don't just blindly say things, or make promises, I follow up till the end. 
Those saying and philosophies we read in books about, I live by them till i find the error in them. It’s not easy, i stumble and fall a lot, but the end return is that I'm more confident and surer of myself and my actions. 

We have only one life and i think it's these small things that really make up for bigger stories, our righteousness and bring the real meaning to our lives. 
I try hard, i don't ever give up till the end. 
It's not always acceptable to people and situations, but the times they've paid off have been phenomenally fruitful. 
And hence I swear by hope and patience.

 
Hey, to a common person only just gauging me from a distance, my actions might seem a bit stupid, crazy, but they aren't. I don’t think being stupid is necessarily a bad thing. 
Society tends to trivialize and belittle things it doesn't understand or is too great for them to fathom. 

Everyone wants a show, or spicy gossip. 
Because majority people are hardly actively looking for the meaning to their existence, just passing time, living off anything and everything that entertains them, or simple shallowly justifies their reasons. 

But you'd understand better isn't it? You're traveling after all? 
I refuse to walk with that crowd. I refuse to go by the ‘herd mentality’. 
I both rejoice and grieve openly, often exposing my soul. 
And mind you it takes courage to do that. 
But it takes certain amount of faith in situations and people to let yourself be that free and alive - to say exactly what's on your mind, or to demonstrate exactly what the moment requires via more visual expressions. 

Sometimes I'm pushed back, i don't have the physical strength, but it doesn't mean i should give up. I can’t after all give up faith in humanity. Im a really really optimistic person.  

Same goes for how I think about love. 
I've been in multiple relationships and I've had my dark moments and days. 
I've shut people out, I've caved in, but each time I've come out being a better person, with greater understanding of human spirit. 
I've tried to be like the sea which never stops coming back to kiss the sand despite being pushed back by the shore line. I've left no stone unturned. 
I've left no possibilities or doubt in my mind to look back and think to myself someday that i didn't try hard enough for someone or somebody. 

I feel the ‘what if’s’ have the power to haunt is for a lifetime.

If my actions deserve to be justified i have stood up and against everything society has thrown back at me. But when I'm wrong, I've backed away. I've admitted fault. 
But I've forgiven others and myself.  

It doesn't make their hurting greater than mine. It doesn't mean they stand correct and i was wrong. I've put up my fight and stood up against everything for everyone i love or have loved. 
And when i look back, i know exactly why i loved, what love was and how with each point and time it's been different.

Quoting a case and point instance; someone trivially said "Oh you were dating that 'body builder', what was his name…?"

I don't look back and think of him as a 'body builder' or a ‘travel agent’ or a sue chef.

I shared a life with him, we were in a serious relationship, he looked out for me, knocked sense into me, stood by me at my worst till it passed, he was much more than the titles people so easily use to describe someone. Like he does now, calling me crazy, psychotic and what not..

To him, i always hoped i would be someone who understood him, a friend in need, a mentor, backing his best decisions, critiquing his worst, pushing him to do better, giving dead honest feedback and opinions on life, friends, family, values, on who we were, who we wanted to be, what we wanted to achieve, i created an inhibition free zone with him - to be able to discuss and normalize anything and everything he would ever have a thought or conversation to himself about, only in his head  otherwise. Made business plans, dreamt of trips, handling our parents, taking emotional and sometimes mature stands. Aggressively at times. Because with him, it was different. 

After all, we were both quote fiery. Very strong personality types and we had a lot of clashes, constant 'check with Google who's correct' contests over small things, were comfortable enough to laugh at each other's ego hassles and played with the concept of dominance and submission to another person both emotionally and mentally. 

Not the best combination a ram and a bull. Or a ram and the twins. But we could say or handle almost everything about each other to each other under the sun. Almost. 

But i only remember the good parts now, happy fond memories. 
That's how i choose to remember him.

Yes, at one point in time i openly grieved in front of him, he kept pushing me back, he kept belittling me, he said a lot of mean things, did unspeakably mean things. But I've somewhere forgiven him for all of that… Because when i was going crazy he put up with me too. He didn’t give up on me…  

I owned it to him for handling and calming me at my worst, for almost running both our lives, for being a philosophical fool at times who he had to bring back to reality. And he should have thanked me for practicalizing his romanticism, making it real.

Somewhere he knew who i was, how i was, what stupidity i was capable of, but also how morally i was capable of punishing my own self before he or anyone ever required to and he accepted that once upon a time, from the start. Just like i did despite knowing how and who he was.

In the end i had a feeling he would understand where my passionate 'not giving up' or waiting for him despite all odds came from. After all we'd been through a lot together, first as friends and then as lovers. Had a string of ups and downs throughout the years and years we've known each other. And somewhere we've been greater friends than lover’s altogether. And just like that one day, i lost both parts to him. 

So no he's not just a body builder to me like people commonly refer to him based on physical appearances. He has a name and to the best of my knowledge he's seeing this very pretty girl 'E'. And he's happy with her.

In my heart and mind I've made peace with him, with her, with them. 
It's been 6 months straight that I've not caused any problems in his life or hers. 
I backed away when he stated it clearly to me, his feeling for her. (You) 

But it aches me that i suddenly stumble upon unfinished business, back biting and trivializing of gestures and efforts from his part.

I for one never speak ill of people and i never encouraged him to either, not to me, and not behind anyone else's back either. But I'm hearing awful lot of things and it's pissing the shit out of me. It's affecting my work relationships, leave alone my socializing with new people. A lot of people hate me today who i don't even personally know. Some of whom I've only heard about through others... 

In our immaturity we do and say things we don't understand the representations of sometimes, and i give people the margin of error to make such short slightest mistakes. 
We are humans after all. We all have made these mistakes at some point.
But this feels deliberate, just because I'm not saying anything or retaliating anymore, doesn't give him the authority to automatically go behind my back six, rather eight months down the line and still speak ill of me.

The guy couldn't handle me, my going into severe depression, my need to space rather than moving forward with him in full throttle. He grew impatient with me right when i was ready to give him his answers, put an end to our misery. Since we always knew there were bound to be turbulence in what we had from the start. But he gave up. 
He gave into his ego and anger and it got the better of him. And that's that. The end of us. 

I'm happy that he wasn't the one who screwed up as everyone anticipated, and that rather it was me. (This is not a moral high ground. It's an understanding and appreciation.) I'm happy that i went out of my way, and when it was my turn to pursue him i didn't leave any stone unturned. I'm happy i ripped open my heart and exposed my soul than to have taken a more psychological lever pulling rout.

And it’s well known that i could have easily pulled that off, since I know I've always had a sever effect on him, like he as always had on me.. to mess each other up. But instead, the only lever i decided to pull was the one which was openly loving, forgiving, humble and in all the enigma we both co-created 'a honest one' - causing him to get angry, very angry and letting it turn into blind rage to date with no reasoning. Being bitter and speculating about the past, not why we really broke up.

But i did what I had to the right way, the straight way for once, which i never otherwise do or have ever done. (I'm notorious for never apologizing for my actions. After all in love, you never should have to say sorry…) 

Or for never facing confrontations and fighting. 
I truly don't like people arguing or getting in fights near me let alone getting myself in a similar situation. But i did, i stayed and faced all his actions, reactions and brutal words, his drunken honesty, his apologies as times which rebuild my faith, sometimes in the dead of the night. 

I did all of this, especially when i didn't need to. 
I too could have easily walked away.

After all, you need to sometimes watch what people do rather than what they say…

Sadly in the end it didn't bear any fruits either, my efforts. But that's ok. Shit happens. 
But i sleep well at nights knowing I tried with everything I had and somewhere knowing that he knows this, my actions, my honesty, my love, my judgment system, morality, everything. 

Despite how he's making a whole circus show now, out of what i did for him back then and entertaining his friends now with gory details. By trivialising them. And for your information going ahead and even lying to them saying i did these things as recent as two months ago? 

Not fair. 
It makes all the speculations about him and his character from the past true. He's a much better person than this.

Ironically, he has for one, blocked the only girl who ever had the guts to speak to him about dignity, self-esteem and morality. Ask him about the 'if i had been in your position series' series I inflicted myself with towards the end. I tortured myself before he could while setting an example of myself... Changing his image of me in his head myself.

So dear lady, while you read this whole, I'd like to suggest you speak to your man and persuade him, not to do so and to tell his dim witted friends not to do so either.
Because sadly except him, his friends didn't have the vaguest clue about who or how I was and they have been quoting him without even knowing me. Without knowing his reasons for saying so now either. 

That. Is. Quite. Dim. Witted. Of. Them. 

He was someone else and i was someone else then. The timing was all wrong, I was impatient and like him previously, I didn’t want to give him time and well, he was destined to meet you. 

I've stepped away as requested, i even gave you both my blessings as you may confirm with him (unlike i did for Stephanie and him) and backed away peacefully and have not caused any harm to the both of you ever since a certain  February. 

I'm a peaceful person and i just want my name cleared, i have a severe problem with shallow people who can't stop talking or making up stories about others rather than taking about themselves and their interests. 

All i can do is request you to ask him to stop doing so. It doesn't reflect correctly on the person speaking ill of another person. Even when his so called friends can't see it yet, or blindly believe him to comfort him or to massage his ego at times. 

If he can do this to me, he can do this to you. After all he loves like there's no tomorrow and he fights like there was no yesterday. Such a pity.

He needs to become a better person. And i trust you can help him change his outlook like that. Take away this one bad habit among countless others.

Thank you.